First, let's look at a passage like this:
Adult children:
"I clearly didn't do anything wrong, or it was a very small thing, but my father/mother's anger always erupts like a volcano, hitting me with things like belts, and I can only keep begging for mercy. Tears and violence filled my entire childhood, and I was really hurt. I wish I could hug the wounded child I was back then."
If the above dialogue strikes a chord with you, making you feel a similar resonance, then your parents are likely abusive parents.
Long-term abuse, resulting in feelings of inferiority, depression, anxiety, defensiveness, and fear, are all typical characteristics of abused adult children.
Causes of abusive parents
Toxic families are like a series of car crashes, and abusive families are the same. With serious emotional defects and unmet needs, when adult children grow up, physical abuse may disappear, but psychological abuse continues. Abusive children are more likely to become new abusers because growing up in a violent family has taught them that the only way to solve problems and vent emotions is through violence. So abusive parents are likely to have been victims in their childhood.
In fact, most parents sometimes feel the urge to hit their children, especially when the child cries, is annoying, or rebellious, this urge becomes stronger. This urge actually stems from the parents' fatigue, stress, anger, etc. Most people can control this urge, but many cannot, and these parents are more likely to become abusers. So some people's views such as "work and family should be kept separate," I think are right, parents should try not to bring bad moods from work to their children.
After abusing their children, some parents seek forgiveness, understanding, or even forgiveness from their children.
They do not address their own problems head-on, but instead vent their anger and frustration on their children, and finally absolve themselves by saying things like, "I did this because of XXX, I've been under a lot of pressure lately, I hope you can understand me, I'm really sorry."
In addition to this beautification method, some parents justify their abuse as "I'm doing this for your own good."
I firmly believe that the phrases "spare the rod, spoil the child" and "no pain, no gain" have poisoned generation after generation.
Many parents believe that "human nature is evil," thinking that children are born evil, and only through harsh scolding can they be put on the right path, so they don't do harmful things to the family or society in the future, and have hope of becoming useful individuals.
In our country, many families hold these beliefs, brainwashing their children with the idea of "child, do you know I hit you for your own good," portraying corporal punishment as a necessary part of the growth process.
But what is the actual effect? The deterrent effect of corporal punishment is only temporary, but the child's anger, desire for revenge, and self-hatred it causes are extremely strong. The psychological, emotional, and physical harm caused by physical abuse far exceeds the intended restraining effect.
I think this is the real "sugar-coated bullet," the sugar-coating on the whip is called "I'm doing this for your own good," and it lashes on the child's body and heart.
If these Chinese-style parents want to guide their children to improve and achieve a restraining effect, why not try a different approach?